Plans. Expectations. Hopes. Dreams. They all get thwarted. I have none. Only those alone and lost know of having none. I am alone and lost.

Six down and counting. Seven not showing. A ghost of a past not yet passed. I am the ghost.

Flittering around my mind and heart but leaving. Routines of yesterday not showing.

Drab. Left. Lost.

Cheap words of happiness. Caress. Oppressed. Lies.

Yet truthful. Youthful. Encourageable. Sorrowful.

Alone. Shifting through days like sands of time. I am the sand.

Twisting. Sifting. Lifting. All for others never for self. Time has no mercy. I am all mercy.

Alone and lost.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, unless it's mine

Can't sleep, my mind won't stop. Going a thousand thoughts a second, all ending in a horrible wreck. Nothing I do prevents them from crashing. Nothing I do quiets them. One by one they attack, like muggers and thieves in the night.

"Nothing you do will ever be successful" BAM
"She only wants you as a friend, nothing more" CRASH
"Moving? why waste your time" WRECK
"All your good for is being alone and taking up space" KA-BAM
"How could you even entertain the thought of being with someone, look at you" SCHREEECH
"She's getting a boyfriend, you have no chance...never did in the first place" THUD

and on they go, swirling around coming back for more. Leaving me in a twisted fetal position at their mercy yet they have no mercy, only blows. Blow after blow they come, bringing with them visions of the future. Visions of my own demise, my own worthlessness, my own personal torment.

I want to cure myself of this plague. Have a surgeon round them up and toss them out like garbage, refuse of a useless mind. Tearing it apart piece by piece until all that is left is something someone, somewhere would take in.

Emo is what this is called... I fucking hate it.

In the end this is all just a learning experience right? A warning to myself in the future, right? I shouldn't be this invested in something so far away. Something I knew would be doing this sort of thing, she did after all warn me she wants to be irresponsible...

I want to have hope that this is all wrong and just the personal demons in my mind finally released. The part of my brain that gives me hope and optimism is in hiding though, taking with it self confidence and ego. Leaving a tormented and lonely shell of a human behind. Maybe they will rebel and take over again... bringing back the person I was... or maybe he is hung up by his entrails, swinging slowly from the branch they laced him up on, only the soft breeze giving him the gift of movement.

Weak and powerless, the gift of the lonely and depressed.

Bar keep, shot for one please.

Is there anything more pitiful then feeling alone when your surrounded by people? I went to a bar upon invitation and a lot showed up, but in the end I was alone at the bar sipping my drink. Idle conversation passing my lips but no words worth repeating or remembering. No interesting stories, jokes or quips. Just a few empty bottles and shot glasses littered around my chair. Passing glances are all I expect and what I receive.

The morning held nothing better, waking up with the urge to just break down and cry, haven't felt like that in years. A sense of loss when nothing has, only a hole where something must of been. Something that I held dear to me but now is lost, though hidden and even unknown to my conscious mind yet I feel it's void. Was it something physical? Emotional? Has my ego taken a hit and is seeking shelter to lick it's wounds?

In time I might find out, might be able to reclaim what has left a deep sorrow in my mind. Though not sure how to start the recovery as it is hard to find something when you don't know what your looking for.

Still surrounded by people, family even, but not feeling connected to anything at all. Feeling out of place just being, not complete and therefore broken. Existing yet not, passing time until the next lifeless day arrives so I may pass that day by and wait for the next.


Never ending, just a lifetime of days.

Heart on a string

I now know what it really feels like to be in love. I have never felt this before not even when I was married. It is full of hurt, depression, longing, joy, smiles, and tender words. It is a wonderful yet horrible feeling, only because I am not close enough to really enjoy it. To utterly care for someone's well being, how easy to describe but hard to feel.

When she is depressed, full of hurt, longing, anything really I feel it. I can tell her moods by how I feel. When I have a bad day she does too. A good day is as well shared by us. A thousand miles is nothing when the heart string between us vibrates with emotion, like two cans with string to carry voices between forts.

Recently I have been angry and depressed, I know something is going on but I have no clue what it is or how to help out. What I do is only adding to the depression and anger. There is no winning with this distance, we might as well be worlds apart. Sometimes I feel like we are, like we are just passers by that happened to exchange numbers on a brief meeting.

There is nothing I can do to alleviate this feeling. The feeling things are slipping away, growing cold and distant. Idle conversation is all we can muster now. Certain subjects are now taboo as they bring hurt or guilt to one. Hearing each other's voice has gone from an almost hourly event to maybe once every week. Texting has been a daily event but even that has become less frequent, to only a few messages a day. I fear soon it will be once every few days, then none at all. Leaving me wanting, craving, some sort of interaction with her but ultimately going into the abyss that is no communication or worse every word spoken or sent will bring anger and loathing. The "I love you"s disappearing slowly but surely like some endangered animal that only a few people cared to notice in the first place. Followed closely by the sweet little names that are so endearing, enough to bring a smile to your face no matter what the day had brought you. Even those are slowly fading into the mist of... well not sure of what.

Unless something changes, the situation I don't know the details on/distance/communicating, I fear this is going on a downward spiral into the abyss. Ending what is looking at being a very rewarding experience before it really even begins.

I'm not sure how to end this post so I will just leave it as it is...


...leave it as it is.

Coming of age

Through the destruction of the ego one may rebuild from the ruins.

The passing of yet another year I have been walking the Earth. Not a more perfect time, then the anniversary of coming into this world.

Long live that day, that I decided to reap all that I was to make way for Me.

A letter to myself

Dear self,

You, dear sir, are a complete hypocrite. You claim to stop doing things, to change, to grow up but you do none of these things. You will never get what you want, as what you want is so far out of your grasp that the mere thought of you attaining it is laughable. You claim to have changed your philosophy of life but why then, dear sir, do you sit in hurt and jealousy when things happen that go with your philosophy? Hypocrite, your picture should be next to the definition of the word. You have not taken to heart this new philosophy, you only hide behind it. Damn it if your going to say you follow it then fucking follow it!

Everything you do and touch turns to shit, plain and simple. You are obsessive, spineless, stupid, and to top it all off a loser of infinite proportions. No one wants to be with someone who has all those traits coming out at once. Want to know why every relationship has ended in cheating and lies? It's because of you sir, every little detail of your miserable life has come only by the actions you have done.

Lets delve into these traits shall we so we can get a clearer perspective on them, sounds like great fun.

Your obsessive, once you find something you want you pursue it to death. You can't just enjoy things for what they are. No you must own it, know about it all, grasp it, and finally grow tired of it. Remember your first relationship? Yeah you started off great but alas it was doomed from the moment you two swapped virginities and you tasted lust. Remember pressing her? Remember all the hurt that happened because you didn't follow moderation? Well do you? Remember how from all your pushing she went out and found another, hid it from you and finally when it came to light you were the one passed up? Yeah, I thought you would.

Now remember when you met your second serious relationship? You were all about her, her beck and whim where your play things. Servitude was your life, anything to make her happy right? How long did that last? Oh but I forgot to mention you had to make her yours so you upped and married her after a month, great decision by the way... that worked out so well in the end didn't it? After a few months things got boring for you, you had everything of her. Why then did you not make the best of it and only when she was teetering on the edge of leaving you did you try to fix things? You know why but I will tell you anyways. It was because you were about to lose something you had gained. Not because you loved her, not because you were hurt, it was about you losing a possession. Why did you put up with the cheating, the lies, the fights? Again you didn't want to lose something you owned. Those two times you left her, yeah those weren't you trying to leave her it was your way of getting her to want you more again. Admit it you selfish bastard it was. Why else would you get back with her after leaving her twice within a year? Let's talk about how you came to the choice of having a baby, again another selfish attempt at keeping what was yours. You even admit it that the only reason why you were trying to have a child with her was to "subdue her cheating issues". Worked out great for you didn't it. Sure you love your daughter but the reason why you had her wasn't out of love or procreation, it was control. How many times did you say you would never have children anyways? How many years were you adamant about that matter? How long did it take you to change that idea? Not long was it... fucking hypocrite.

Let's talk about your most current obsession shall we? Hmm yes your doing so great with this one. Sending her stuff all the time, obsessing about when you can see her again. Hell your even up rooting your life to be a mere two hours away from her.... yeah not obsessed at all... Pushing her to make a trip to see you, hell you even bought the tickets for her already. Once you found out she can't make it you start racking your brain on how you can get her down to you. Never once thinking about what her best interest might be. You go on and on about how you can't wait to see her, hold her and all that shit. Let me tell you something my friend, all that is pushing you apart so much she already has moved on from you, she's just too nice to let you in on it yet. She may say she wants you to still move to her but really she is dreading it. You know it, just admit it and get over yourself. Your not that great, or even worth waiting for so why are you obsessing over such a person out of your league? It's because for four days you had her, and you want it back. You may love her, in fact I know you do since I am you, but your taking it way too far. Instead of letting things go the way they will you fight it, obsess about how you can get her close to you to have again. Man your a piece of work, I am almost ashamed to be a part of you.

This is fun lets move on to the next one, your a spineless wreck of a man... if you can be called a man. Remember that time you could of decked out Mochi? Oh yes he deserved it so much, fooling around with your wife then shamefully lying to your face until she told you. He even offered his chin to you claiming he deserved it. What do you do? You punch a fucking brick wall... brilliant move... oh and that splint on your hand for a few weeks was a great reminder of how spineless you really are. Remember all those times you could of stood up for something but in the end you just rolled over and took it in the ass. Oh the names of the people that have done you wrong... the list is quite impressive. Have you done anything about it? Of course you haven't you don't like to stand up for what you want. People walk all over you and you lay down for more. Get pissed off man, it's a great feeling... how do I know? You bottle it and I sip it nightly, like a fine wine that gets better with age and quite frankly I have enough I should be selling this shit.

On to the next! Your stupidity is astounding on so many levels. You claim to be philosophical but really all your doing is spewing forth others ideas. You mix and match a bunch of quotes and claim to live by them. Wow, that's deep man. You didn't even finish college up. Half way through you quit. Remedial math was just the beginning on this one. Art school? What the hell where you thinking you can't draw to save your life! Oh and don't forget about the Japanese oh wait you have. Sure you took all the classes they offered and passed but really how much do you remember? What happened to those years you spent there? You don't remember a fucking thing from those classes. What a waste of space, someone else could of taken your spot and made something of themselves.

Oh let us not forget your high school days. Barely graduating by the skin of your teeth. This ties so well into the last point I might as well slide into it.

All your life you have been a loser. How many true friends have you had in your life? Seriously how many can you trust your life to? Wow none... amazing I never would of thought it was such a high number, oh wait its not.

Middle school started the descent, you had no friends, only people who dealt with you. Yes dealt with you. This moved onto high school. Sure you eventually hung out with people outside of school but they were only using you. You had the house to sluff at, the parents that went away with the unlocked liquor cabinet. How many times did they call you to hang out? Never, you always had to invite them to come over and promise a party. In fact I don't think they even had your telephone number, wonder why... oh yeah your a loser.

College worked out about the same. You finally got yourself a girlfriend. Amazing that even happened really, a fluke in the natural order of things. Again you got into a group of people but did you ever hang out with any of them after school? Did they ever just call to make plans? Nope, wow is history repeating?

Your roommates could barely stand you, your girlfriend was sleeping with someone else and you went on with your life blissfully unaware of your loser status.

Then your rave days come, depression makes people do odd things I suppose. You were so obsessed with them that it was your life for a while. Great self esteem booster having drugged out girls all over you... man your pathetic. Those days burned out pretty quickly though, as again you got bored with your obsession. Didn't help you had a new obsession not long after you got tired of raves. Can you keep one thing near you without getting bored of it? Can't you just accept that one thing for what it is, never questioning it, never growing bored of it? You may say you can but really you can't, at least not how you are now.

It's amazing really anyone would put up with you. I know I have a hard time and I'm the only one who doesn't have a choice in the matter. Once people get to know you they find out how much of a loser you really are and are so desperate to leave they will come up with excuses. Think they really went to the movies? Think they really had to go to work early? Wow your more conceded then I realized. Frankly no one wants to be around you for more then a few hours, let alone talk to you for that long. You have nothing interesting to say, you lead a loser life. Always have, always will. Just give up on your "hopes and dreams" they are so lofty you couldn't hope to realize them. For fucks sake man being in a serious relationship with her? Having her visit you? Going to culinary school? These dreams are just that, dreams and it's time to wake up and smell the coffee, laced with a heavy dose of reality.

You. Will. Never. Win. Period.

Thank you for your time,

-Yourself


p.s. Stop hiding behind false pretenses and FUCKING LIVE!

Thoughts

Concerning thoughts about myself I have come to the conclusion that I have a very pessimistic view. Experience has taught me that I am the loser, the runner up, the one passed over, the one in the dark on too many different occasions that it has become second nature to doubt anything that has to do with me. I have self esteem don't get me wrong, but when it comes to events or relationships that I have a hand in the slightest thing gets me thinking about being left behind.

This is not a healthy thing for one to do. It has become apparent that if you carry such views upon your shoulders then they become true after a while since you drag everything else down with you to those depths. No one likes the person who mopes and fishes for the slightest bit of hope that something will turn their way. Especially when they have a lot of other things going for them but they fail to cherish them for what they are. If you have someone's love, accept it for that don't try to make it more then it really is.

If things don't seem to be going how you expected them to, it is your own fault for pushing such expectations on the event. If your will is strong enough you will get what you want out of it anyway, or have it lead to something even better.

Accept things as they are, not as you want them to be.