Plans. Expectations. Hopes. Dreams. They all get thwarted. I have none. Only those alone and lost know of having none. I am alone and lost.

Six down and counting. Seven not showing. A ghost of a past not yet passed. I am the ghost.

Flittering around my mind and heart but leaving. Routines of yesterday not showing.

Drab. Left. Lost.

Cheap words of happiness. Caress. Oppressed. Lies.

Yet truthful. Youthful. Encourageable. Sorrowful.

Alone. Shifting through days like sands of time. I am the sand.

Twisting. Sifting. Lifting. All for others never for self. Time has no mercy. I am all mercy.

Alone and lost.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, unless it's mine

Can't sleep, my mind won't stop. Going a thousand thoughts a second, all ending in a horrible wreck. Nothing I do prevents them from crashing. Nothing I do quiets them. One by one they attack, like muggers and thieves in the night.

"Nothing you do will ever be successful" BAM
"She only wants you as a friend, nothing more" CRASH
"Moving? why waste your time" WRECK
"All your good for is being alone and taking up space" KA-BAM
"How could you even entertain the thought of being with someone, look at you" SCHREEECH
"She's getting a boyfriend, you have no chance...never did in the first place" THUD

and on they go, swirling around coming back for more. Leaving me in a twisted fetal position at their mercy yet they have no mercy, only blows. Blow after blow they come, bringing with them visions of the future. Visions of my own demise, my own worthlessness, my own personal torment.

I want to cure myself of this plague. Have a surgeon round them up and toss them out like garbage, refuse of a useless mind. Tearing it apart piece by piece until all that is left is something someone, somewhere would take in.

Emo is what this is called... I fucking hate it.

In the end this is all just a learning experience right? A warning to myself in the future, right? I shouldn't be this invested in something so far away. Something I knew would be doing this sort of thing, she did after all warn me she wants to be irresponsible...

I want to have hope that this is all wrong and just the personal demons in my mind finally released. The part of my brain that gives me hope and optimism is in hiding though, taking with it self confidence and ego. Leaving a tormented and lonely shell of a human behind. Maybe they will rebel and take over again... bringing back the person I was... or maybe he is hung up by his entrails, swinging slowly from the branch they laced him up on, only the soft breeze giving him the gift of movement.

Weak and powerless, the gift of the lonely and depressed.

Bar keep, shot for one please.

Is there anything more pitiful then feeling alone when your surrounded by people? I went to a bar upon invitation and a lot showed up, but in the end I was alone at the bar sipping my drink. Idle conversation passing my lips but no words worth repeating or remembering. No interesting stories, jokes or quips. Just a few empty bottles and shot glasses littered around my chair. Passing glances are all I expect and what I receive.

The morning held nothing better, waking up with the urge to just break down and cry, haven't felt like that in years. A sense of loss when nothing has, only a hole where something must of been. Something that I held dear to me but now is lost, though hidden and even unknown to my conscious mind yet I feel it's void. Was it something physical? Emotional? Has my ego taken a hit and is seeking shelter to lick it's wounds?

In time I might find out, might be able to reclaim what has left a deep sorrow in my mind. Though not sure how to start the recovery as it is hard to find something when you don't know what your looking for.

Still surrounded by people, family even, but not feeling connected to anything at all. Feeling out of place just being, not complete and therefore broken. Existing yet not, passing time until the next lifeless day arrives so I may pass that day by and wait for the next.


Never ending, just a lifetime of days.