I now know what it really feels like to be in love. I have never felt this before not even when I was married. It is full of hurt, depression, longing, joy, smiles, and tender words. It is a wonderful yet horrible feeling, only because I am not close enough to really enjoy it. To utterly care for someone's well being, how easy to describe but hard to feel.
When she is depressed, full of hurt, longing, anything really I feel it. I can tell her moods by how I feel. When I have a bad day she does too. A good day is as well shared by us. A thousand miles is nothing when the heart string between us vibrates with emotion, like two cans with string to carry voices between forts.
Recently I have been angry and depressed, I know something is going on but I have no clue what it is or how to help out. What I do is only adding to the depression and anger. There is no winning with this distance, we might as well be worlds apart. Sometimes I feel like we are, like we are just passers by that happened to exchange numbers on a brief meeting.
There is nothing I can do to alleviate this feeling. The feeling things are slipping away, growing cold and distant. Idle conversation is all we can muster now. Certain subjects are now taboo as they bring hurt or guilt to one. Hearing each other's voice has gone from an almost hourly event to maybe once every week. Texting has been a daily event but even that has become less frequent, to only a few messages a day. I fear soon it will be once every few days, then none at all. Leaving me wanting, craving, some sort of interaction with her but ultimately going into the abyss that is no communication or worse every word spoken or sent will bring anger and loathing. The "I love you"s disappearing slowly but surely like some endangered animal that only a few people cared to notice in the first place. Followed closely by the sweet little names that are so endearing, enough to bring a smile to your face no matter what the day had brought you. Even those are slowly fading into the mist of... well not sure of what.
Unless something changes, the situation I don't know the details on/distance/communicating, I fear this is going on a downward spiral into the abyss. Ending what is looking at being a very rewarding experience before it really even begins.
I'm not sure how to end this post so I will just leave it as it is...
...leave it as it is.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Coming of age
Through the destruction of the ego one may rebuild from the ruins.
The passing of yet another year I have been walking the Earth. Not a more perfect time, then the anniversary of coming into this world.
Long live that day, that I decided to reap all that I was to make way for Me.
The passing of yet another year I have been walking the Earth. Not a more perfect time, then the anniversary of coming into this world.
Long live that day, that I decided to reap all that I was to make way for Me.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
A letter to myself
Dear self,
You, dear sir, are a complete hypocrite. You claim to stop doing things, to change, to grow up but you do none of these things. You will never get what you want, as what you want is so far out of your grasp that the mere thought of you attaining it is laughable. You claim to have changed your philosophy of life but why then, dear sir, do you sit in hurt and jealousy when things happen that go with your philosophy? Hypocrite, your picture should be next to the definition of the word. You have not taken to heart this new philosophy, you only hide behind it. Damn it if your going to say you follow it then fucking follow it!
Everything you do and touch turns to shit, plain and simple. You are obsessive, spineless, stupid, and to top it all off a loser of infinite proportions. No one wants to be with someone who has all those traits coming out at once. Want to know why every relationship has ended in cheating and lies? It's because of you sir, every little detail of your miserable life has come only by the actions you have done.
Lets delve into these traits shall we so we can get a clearer perspective on them, sounds like great fun.
Your obsessive, once you find something you want you pursue it to death. You can't just enjoy things for what they are. No you must own it, know about it all, grasp it, and finally grow tired of it. Remember your first relationship? Yeah you started off great but alas it was doomed from the moment you two swapped virginities and you tasted lust. Remember pressing her? Remember all the hurt that happened because you didn't follow moderation? Well do you? Remember how from all your pushing she went out and found another, hid it from you and finally when it came to light you were the one passed up? Yeah, I thought you would.
Now remember when you met your second serious relationship? You were all about her, her beck and whim where your play things. Servitude was your life, anything to make her happy right? How long did that last? Oh but I forgot to mention you had to make her yours so you upped and married her after a month, great decision by the way... that worked out so well in the end didn't it? After a few months things got boring for you, you had everything of her. Why then did you not make the best of it and only when she was teetering on the edge of leaving you did you try to fix things? You know why but I will tell you anyways. It was because you were about to lose something you had gained. Not because you loved her, not because you were hurt, it was about you losing a possession. Why did you put up with the cheating, the lies, the fights? Again you didn't want to lose something you owned. Those two times you left her, yeah those weren't you trying to leave her it was your way of getting her to want you more again. Admit it you selfish bastard it was. Why else would you get back with her after leaving her twice within a year? Let's talk about how you came to the choice of having a baby, again another selfish attempt at keeping what was yours. You even admit it that the only reason why you were trying to have a child with her was to "subdue her cheating issues". Worked out great for you didn't it. Sure you love your daughter but the reason why you had her wasn't out of love or procreation, it was control. How many times did you say you would never have children anyways? How many years were you adamant about that matter? How long did it take you to change that idea? Not long was it... fucking hypocrite.
Let's talk about your most current obsession shall we? Hmm yes your doing so great with this one. Sending her stuff all the time, obsessing about when you can see her again. Hell your even up rooting your life to be a mere two hours away from her.... yeah not obsessed at all... Pushing her to make a trip to see you, hell you even bought the tickets for her already. Once you found out she can't make it you start racking your brain on how you can get her down to you. Never once thinking about what her best interest might be. You go on and on about how you can't wait to see her, hold her and all that shit. Let me tell you something my friend, all that is pushing you apart so much she already has moved on from you, she's just too nice to let you in on it yet. She may say she wants you to still move to her but really she is dreading it. You know it, just admit it and get over yourself. Your not that great, or even worth waiting for so why are you obsessing over such a person out of your league? It's because for four days you had her, and you want it back. You may love her, in fact I know you do since I am you, but your taking it way too far. Instead of letting things go the way they will you fight it, obsess about how you can get her close to you to have again. Man your a piece of work, I am almost ashamed to be a part of you.
This is fun lets move on to the next one, your a spineless wreck of a man... if you can be called a man. Remember that time you could of decked out Mochi? Oh yes he deserved it so much, fooling around with your wife then shamefully lying to your face until she told you. He even offered his chin to you claiming he deserved it. What do you do? You punch a fucking brick wall... brilliant move... oh and that splint on your hand for a few weeks was a great reminder of how spineless you really are. Remember all those times you could of stood up for something but in the end you just rolled over and took it in the ass. Oh the names of the people that have done you wrong... the list is quite impressive. Have you done anything about it? Of course you haven't you don't like to stand up for what you want. People walk all over you and you lay down for more. Get pissed off man, it's a great feeling... how do I know? You bottle it and I sip it nightly, like a fine wine that gets better with age and quite frankly I have enough I should be selling this shit.
On to the next! Your stupidity is astounding on so many levels. You claim to be philosophical but really all your doing is spewing forth others ideas. You mix and match a bunch of quotes and claim to live by them. Wow, that's deep man. You didn't even finish college up. Half way through you quit. Remedial math was just the beginning on this one. Art school? What the hell where you thinking you can't draw to save your life! Oh and don't forget about the Japanese oh wait you have. Sure you took all the classes they offered and passed but really how much do you remember? What happened to those years you spent there? You don't remember a fucking thing from those classes. What a waste of space, someone else could of taken your spot and made something of themselves.
Oh let us not forget your high school days. Barely graduating by the skin of your teeth. This ties so well into the last point I might as well slide into it.
All your life you have been a loser. How many true friends have you had in your life? Seriously how many can you trust your life to? Wow none... amazing I never would of thought it was such a high number, oh wait its not.
Middle school started the descent, you had no friends, only people who dealt with you. Yes dealt with you. This moved onto high school. Sure you eventually hung out with people outside of school but they were only using you. You had the house to sluff at, the parents that went away with the unlocked liquor cabinet. How many times did they call you to hang out? Never, you always had to invite them to come over and promise a party. In fact I don't think they even had your telephone number, wonder why... oh yeah your a loser.
College worked out about the same. You finally got yourself a girlfriend. Amazing that even happened really, a fluke in the natural order of things. Again you got into a group of people but did you ever hang out with any of them after school? Did they ever just call to make plans? Nope, wow is history repeating?
Your roommates could barely stand you, your girlfriend was sleeping with someone else and you went on with your life blissfully unaware of your loser status.
Then your rave days come, depression makes people do odd things I suppose. You were so obsessed with them that it was your life for a while. Great self esteem booster having drugged out girls all over you... man your pathetic. Those days burned out pretty quickly though, as again you got bored with your obsession. Didn't help you had a new obsession not long after you got tired of raves. Can you keep one thing near you without getting bored of it? Can't you just accept that one thing for what it is, never questioning it, never growing bored of it? You may say you can but really you can't, at least not how you are now.
It's amazing really anyone would put up with you. I know I have a hard time and I'm the only one who doesn't have a choice in the matter. Once people get to know you they find out how much of a loser you really are and are so desperate to leave they will come up with excuses. Think they really went to the movies? Think they really had to go to work early? Wow your more conceded then I realized. Frankly no one wants to be around you for more then a few hours, let alone talk to you for that long. You have nothing interesting to say, you lead a loser life. Always have, always will. Just give up on your "hopes and dreams" they are so lofty you couldn't hope to realize them. For fucks sake man being in a serious relationship with her? Having her visit you? Going to culinary school? These dreams are just that, dreams and it's time to wake up and smell the coffee, laced with a heavy dose of reality.
You. Will. Never. Win. Period.
Thank you for your time,
-Yourself
p.s. Stop hiding behind false pretenses and FUCKING LIVE!
You, dear sir, are a complete hypocrite. You claim to stop doing things, to change, to grow up but you do none of these things. You will never get what you want, as what you want is so far out of your grasp that the mere thought of you attaining it is laughable. You claim to have changed your philosophy of life but why then, dear sir, do you sit in hurt and jealousy when things happen that go with your philosophy? Hypocrite, your picture should be next to the definition of the word. You have not taken to heart this new philosophy, you only hide behind it. Damn it if your going to say you follow it then fucking follow it!
Everything you do and touch turns to shit, plain and simple. You are obsessive, spineless, stupid, and to top it all off a loser of infinite proportions. No one wants to be with someone who has all those traits coming out at once. Want to know why every relationship has ended in cheating and lies? It's because of you sir, every little detail of your miserable life has come only by the actions you have done.
Lets delve into these traits shall we so we can get a clearer perspective on them, sounds like great fun.
Your obsessive, once you find something you want you pursue it to death. You can't just enjoy things for what they are. No you must own it, know about it all, grasp it, and finally grow tired of it. Remember your first relationship? Yeah you started off great but alas it was doomed from the moment you two swapped virginities and you tasted lust. Remember pressing her? Remember all the hurt that happened because you didn't follow moderation? Well do you? Remember how from all your pushing she went out and found another, hid it from you and finally when it came to light you were the one passed up? Yeah, I thought you would.
Now remember when you met your second serious relationship? You were all about her, her beck and whim where your play things. Servitude was your life, anything to make her happy right? How long did that last? Oh but I forgot to mention you had to make her yours so you upped and married her after a month, great decision by the way... that worked out so well in the end didn't it? After a few months things got boring for you, you had everything of her. Why then did you not make the best of it and only when she was teetering on the edge of leaving you did you try to fix things? You know why but I will tell you anyways. It was because you were about to lose something you had gained. Not because you loved her, not because you were hurt, it was about you losing a possession. Why did you put up with the cheating, the lies, the fights? Again you didn't want to lose something you owned. Those two times you left her, yeah those weren't you trying to leave her it was your way of getting her to want you more again. Admit it you selfish bastard it was. Why else would you get back with her after leaving her twice within a year? Let's talk about how you came to the choice of having a baby, again another selfish attempt at keeping what was yours. You even admit it that the only reason why you were trying to have a child with her was to "subdue her cheating issues". Worked out great for you didn't it. Sure you love your daughter but the reason why you had her wasn't out of love or procreation, it was control. How many times did you say you would never have children anyways? How many years were you adamant about that matter? How long did it take you to change that idea? Not long was it... fucking hypocrite.
Let's talk about your most current obsession shall we? Hmm yes your doing so great with this one. Sending her stuff all the time, obsessing about when you can see her again. Hell your even up rooting your life to be a mere two hours away from her.... yeah not obsessed at all... Pushing her to make a trip to see you, hell you even bought the tickets for her already. Once you found out she can't make it you start racking your brain on how you can get her down to you. Never once thinking about what her best interest might be. You go on and on about how you can't wait to see her, hold her and all that shit. Let me tell you something my friend, all that is pushing you apart so much she already has moved on from you, she's just too nice to let you in on it yet. She may say she wants you to still move to her but really she is dreading it. You know it, just admit it and get over yourself. Your not that great, or even worth waiting for so why are you obsessing over such a person out of your league? It's because for four days you had her, and you want it back. You may love her, in fact I know you do since I am you, but your taking it way too far. Instead of letting things go the way they will you fight it, obsess about how you can get her close to you to have again. Man your a piece of work, I am almost ashamed to be a part of you.
This is fun lets move on to the next one, your a spineless wreck of a man... if you can be called a man. Remember that time you could of decked out Mochi? Oh yes he deserved it so much, fooling around with your wife then shamefully lying to your face until she told you. He even offered his chin to you claiming he deserved it. What do you do? You punch a fucking brick wall... brilliant move... oh and that splint on your hand for a few weeks was a great reminder of how spineless you really are. Remember all those times you could of stood up for something but in the end you just rolled over and took it in the ass. Oh the names of the people that have done you wrong... the list is quite impressive. Have you done anything about it? Of course you haven't you don't like to stand up for what you want. People walk all over you and you lay down for more. Get pissed off man, it's a great feeling... how do I know? You bottle it and I sip it nightly, like a fine wine that gets better with age and quite frankly I have enough I should be selling this shit.
On to the next! Your stupidity is astounding on so many levels. You claim to be philosophical but really all your doing is spewing forth others ideas. You mix and match a bunch of quotes and claim to live by them. Wow, that's deep man. You didn't even finish college up. Half way through you quit. Remedial math was just the beginning on this one. Art school? What the hell where you thinking you can't draw to save your life! Oh and don't forget about the Japanese oh wait you have. Sure you took all the classes they offered and passed but really how much do you remember? What happened to those years you spent there? You don't remember a fucking thing from those classes. What a waste of space, someone else could of taken your spot and made something of themselves.
Oh let us not forget your high school days. Barely graduating by the skin of your teeth. This ties so well into the last point I might as well slide into it.
All your life you have been a loser. How many true friends have you had in your life? Seriously how many can you trust your life to? Wow none... amazing I never would of thought it was such a high number, oh wait its not.
Middle school started the descent, you had no friends, only people who dealt with you. Yes dealt with you. This moved onto high school. Sure you eventually hung out with people outside of school but they were only using you. You had the house to sluff at, the parents that went away with the unlocked liquor cabinet. How many times did they call you to hang out? Never, you always had to invite them to come over and promise a party. In fact I don't think they even had your telephone number, wonder why... oh yeah your a loser.
College worked out about the same. You finally got yourself a girlfriend. Amazing that even happened really, a fluke in the natural order of things. Again you got into a group of people but did you ever hang out with any of them after school? Did they ever just call to make plans? Nope, wow is history repeating?
Your roommates could barely stand you, your girlfriend was sleeping with someone else and you went on with your life blissfully unaware of your loser status.
Then your rave days come, depression makes people do odd things I suppose. You were so obsessed with them that it was your life for a while. Great self esteem booster having drugged out girls all over you... man your pathetic. Those days burned out pretty quickly though, as again you got bored with your obsession. Didn't help you had a new obsession not long after you got tired of raves. Can you keep one thing near you without getting bored of it? Can't you just accept that one thing for what it is, never questioning it, never growing bored of it? You may say you can but really you can't, at least not how you are now.
It's amazing really anyone would put up with you. I know I have a hard time and I'm the only one who doesn't have a choice in the matter. Once people get to know you they find out how much of a loser you really are and are so desperate to leave they will come up with excuses. Think they really went to the movies? Think they really had to go to work early? Wow your more conceded then I realized. Frankly no one wants to be around you for more then a few hours, let alone talk to you for that long. You have nothing interesting to say, you lead a loser life. Always have, always will. Just give up on your "hopes and dreams" they are so lofty you couldn't hope to realize them. For fucks sake man being in a serious relationship with her? Having her visit you? Going to culinary school? These dreams are just that, dreams and it's time to wake up and smell the coffee, laced with a heavy dose of reality.
You. Will. Never. Win. Period.
Thank you for your time,
-Yourself
p.s. Stop hiding behind false pretenses and FUCKING LIVE!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Thoughts
Concerning thoughts about myself I have come to the conclusion that I have a very pessimistic view. Experience has taught me that I am the loser, the runner up, the one passed over, the one in the dark on too many different occasions that it has become second nature to doubt anything that has to do with me. I have self esteem don't get me wrong, but when it comes to events or relationships that I have a hand in the slightest thing gets me thinking about being left behind.
This is not a healthy thing for one to do. It has become apparent that if you carry such views upon your shoulders then they become true after a while since you drag everything else down with you to those depths. No one likes the person who mopes and fishes for the slightest bit of hope that something will turn their way. Especially when they have a lot of other things going for them but they fail to cherish them for what they are. If you have someone's love, accept it for that don't try to make it more then it really is.
If things don't seem to be going how you expected them to, it is your own fault for pushing such expectations on the event. If your will is strong enough you will get what you want out of it anyway, or have it lead to something even better.
Accept things as they are, not as you want them to be.
This is not a healthy thing for one to do. It has become apparent that if you carry such views upon your shoulders then they become true after a while since you drag everything else down with you to those depths. No one likes the person who mopes and fishes for the slightest bit of hope that something will turn their way. Especially when they have a lot of other things going for them but they fail to cherish them for what they are. If you have someone's love, accept it for that don't try to make it more then it really is.
If things don't seem to be going how you expected them to, it is your own fault for pushing such expectations on the event. If your will is strong enough you will get what you want out of it anyway, or have it lead to something even better.
Accept things as they are, not as you want them to be.
Friday, July 4, 2008
"To be great is to be misunderstood"
Dearest Internets, I come to thee tonight to speak of a revolution going on. I speak of the changes in my philosophy, in my total being.
I have recently noticed the changes, as they started out subtle and far between. Some may call it maturing, others responsibility but I view it as a change of character that has been years in the making but finally coming to fruition. Many of my old habits have done a 180 turn, what was once a mess is now clean, what was once a day spent on guilty pleasures is now just pleasures, what was once prison is now freedom. I am more happy now then I ever was in the past. The old philosophy of my life has no meaning to me now, I feel the change coming of a new one. One that makes more sense to me, though it scares me at the same time. It is so unlike how I used to be that I fear I was living in denial for so long that my true self was buried, lost in the swirl of my mind.
A friend once told me "You're the perfect Christan, always turning the other cheek. Funny thing is your not even a Christian!", an old girlfriend of mine once told me "You are like a shell, emotionless and logical. Never showing what you truly feel unless I pry into you. You hide everything about you". My ex-wife echoed that thought many times to me, though not put so elegantly. All the times I had a chance to be true to myself, to exact due wrath upon people that deserved it oh so much, all the times I could of told the truth but didn't to save hurt. I have always turned the other cheek, bottled what I felt for the logical part of me to work it out and make things better. Though most times it was for the worse.
My old philosophy was I followed the path of least resistance, saying I will be like water and over come any hardship. What I failed to grasp was stagnant water turns poisonous. Through my inaction, my emotionless state, I have reaped nothing but ill rewards and empty friendships. Not all rewards and friendships were bad, there have been a few gems that I will cherish forever.
NO MORE, this change has long been in the making and is due to make it's grand entrance. It has already started, my trip to Texas is proof of the logical part of my mind taking a break from the wheel. Going on what feels right, what I know is right, that is my new driver. Emotions are what make us human, make us great and at the same time so weak. I am done just going through the motions of life.
How can you know the deepest love if you haven't experience the deepest hate? I feel the flood gates opening and I like it, I revel in it. No more will I be a stagnate pool of water, it is the raging river that gets over the obstacles, carves its own path to where it needs to be. Fate has a hand in everything but only you can take the helm of your life and reach where you need to be. Waiting for fate to take control, for signs, you never get where you need to be as fate drives a Ferrari and waits for no one. Too long I have been left behind, watching as things happen with a detached sense of reality.
Certain events in my recent past have shown me that to enjoy life, to really get everything out of this life, you need to meet the world with enthusiasm. A bright sense of being alive, enjoying earthly wonders for what they are.
"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have recently noticed the changes, as they started out subtle and far between. Some may call it maturing, others responsibility but I view it as a change of character that has been years in the making but finally coming to fruition. Many of my old habits have done a 180 turn, what was once a mess is now clean, what was once a day spent on guilty pleasures is now just pleasures, what was once prison is now freedom. I am more happy now then I ever was in the past. The old philosophy of my life has no meaning to me now, I feel the change coming of a new one. One that makes more sense to me, though it scares me at the same time. It is so unlike how I used to be that I fear I was living in denial for so long that my true self was buried, lost in the swirl of my mind.
A friend once told me "You're the perfect Christan, always turning the other cheek. Funny thing is your not even a Christian!", an old girlfriend of mine once told me "You are like a shell, emotionless and logical. Never showing what you truly feel unless I pry into you. You hide everything about you". My ex-wife echoed that thought many times to me, though not put so elegantly. All the times I had a chance to be true to myself, to exact due wrath upon people that deserved it oh so much, all the times I could of told the truth but didn't to save hurt. I have always turned the other cheek, bottled what I felt for the logical part of me to work it out and make things better. Though most times it was for the worse.
My old philosophy was I followed the path of least resistance, saying I will be like water and over come any hardship. What I failed to grasp was stagnant water turns poisonous. Through my inaction, my emotionless state, I have reaped nothing but ill rewards and empty friendships. Not all rewards and friendships were bad, there have been a few gems that I will cherish forever.
NO MORE, this change has long been in the making and is due to make it's grand entrance. It has already started, my trip to Texas is proof of the logical part of my mind taking a break from the wheel. Going on what feels right, what I know is right, that is my new driver. Emotions are what make us human, make us great and at the same time so weak. I am done just going through the motions of life.
How can you know the deepest love if you haven't experience the deepest hate? I feel the flood gates opening and I like it, I revel in it. No more will I be a stagnate pool of water, it is the raging river that gets over the obstacles, carves its own path to where it needs to be. Fate has a hand in everything but only you can take the helm of your life and reach where you need to be. Waiting for fate to take control, for signs, you never get where you need to be as fate drives a Ferrari and waits for no one. Too long I have been left behind, watching as things happen with a detached sense of reality.
Certain events in my recent past have shown me that to enjoy life, to really get everything out of this life, you need to meet the world with enthusiasm. A bright sense of being alive, enjoying earthly wonders for what they are.
"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
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