Plans. Expectations. Hopes. Dreams. They all get thwarted. I have none. Only those alone and lost know of having none. I am alone and lost.

Six down and counting. Seven not showing. A ghost of a past not yet passed. I am the ghost.

Flittering around my mind and heart but leaving. Routines of yesterday not showing.

Drab. Left. Lost.

Cheap words of happiness. Caress. Oppressed. Lies.

Yet truthful. Youthful. Encourageable. Sorrowful.

Alone. Shifting through days like sands of time. I am the sand.

Twisting. Sifting. Lifting. All for others never for self. Time has no mercy. I am all mercy.

Alone and lost.

The mind is a terrible thing to waste, unless it's mine

Can't sleep, my mind won't stop. Going a thousand thoughts a second, all ending in a horrible wreck. Nothing I do prevents them from crashing. Nothing I do quiets them. One by one they attack, like muggers and thieves in the night.

"Nothing you do will ever be successful" BAM
"She only wants you as a friend, nothing more" CRASH
"Moving? why waste your time" WRECK
"All your good for is being alone and taking up space" KA-BAM
"How could you even entertain the thought of being with someone, look at you" SCHREEECH
"She's getting a boyfriend, you have no chance...never did in the first place" THUD

and on they go, swirling around coming back for more. Leaving me in a twisted fetal position at their mercy yet they have no mercy, only blows. Blow after blow they come, bringing with them visions of the future. Visions of my own demise, my own worthlessness, my own personal torment.

I want to cure myself of this plague. Have a surgeon round them up and toss them out like garbage, refuse of a useless mind. Tearing it apart piece by piece until all that is left is something someone, somewhere would take in.

Emo is what this is called... I fucking hate it.

In the end this is all just a learning experience right? A warning to myself in the future, right? I shouldn't be this invested in something so far away. Something I knew would be doing this sort of thing, she did after all warn me she wants to be irresponsible...

I want to have hope that this is all wrong and just the personal demons in my mind finally released. The part of my brain that gives me hope and optimism is in hiding though, taking with it self confidence and ego. Leaving a tormented and lonely shell of a human behind. Maybe they will rebel and take over again... bringing back the person I was... or maybe he is hung up by his entrails, swinging slowly from the branch they laced him up on, only the soft breeze giving him the gift of movement.

Weak and powerless, the gift of the lonely and depressed.

Bar keep, shot for one please.

Is there anything more pitiful then feeling alone when your surrounded by people? I went to a bar upon invitation and a lot showed up, but in the end I was alone at the bar sipping my drink. Idle conversation passing my lips but no words worth repeating or remembering. No interesting stories, jokes or quips. Just a few empty bottles and shot glasses littered around my chair. Passing glances are all I expect and what I receive.

The morning held nothing better, waking up with the urge to just break down and cry, haven't felt like that in years. A sense of loss when nothing has, only a hole where something must of been. Something that I held dear to me but now is lost, though hidden and even unknown to my conscious mind yet I feel it's void. Was it something physical? Emotional? Has my ego taken a hit and is seeking shelter to lick it's wounds?

In time I might find out, might be able to reclaim what has left a deep sorrow in my mind. Though not sure how to start the recovery as it is hard to find something when you don't know what your looking for.

Still surrounded by people, family even, but not feeling connected to anything at all. Feeling out of place just being, not complete and therefore broken. Existing yet not, passing time until the next lifeless day arrives so I may pass that day by and wait for the next.


Never ending, just a lifetime of days.

Heart on a string

I now know what it really feels like to be in love. I have never felt this before not even when I was married. It is full of hurt, depression, longing, joy, smiles, and tender words. It is a wonderful yet horrible feeling, only because I am not close enough to really enjoy it. To utterly care for someone's well being, how easy to describe but hard to feel.

When she is depressed, full of hurt, longing, anything really I feel it. I can tell her moods by how I feel. When I have a bad day she does too. A good day is as well shared by us. A thousand miles is nothing when the heart string between us vibrates with emotion, like two cans with string to carry voices between forts.

Recently I have been angry and depressed, I know something is going on but I have no clue what it is or how to help out. What I do is only adding to the depression and anger. There is no winning with this distance, we might as well be worlds apart. Sometimes I feel like we are, like we are just passers by that happened to exchange numbers on a brief meeting.

There is nothing I can do to alleviate this feeling. The feeling things are slipping away, growing cold and distant. Idle conversation is all we can muster now. Certain subjects are now taboo as they bring hurt or guilt to one. Hearing each other's voice has gone from an almost hourly event to maybe once every week. Texting has been a daily event but even that has become less frequent, to only a few messages a day. I fear soon it will be once every few days, then none at all. Leaving me wanting, craving, some sort of interaction with her but ultimately going into the abyss that is no communication or worse every word spoken or sent will bring anger and loathing. The "I love you"s disappearing slowly but surely like some endangered animal that only a few people cared to notice in the first place. Followed closely by the sweet little names that are so endearing, enough to bring a smile to your face no matter what the day had brought you. Even those are slowly fading into the mist of... well not sure of what.

Unless something changes, the situation I don't know the details on/distance/communicating, I fear this is going on a downward spiral into the abyss. Ending what is looking at being a very rewarding experience before it really even begins.

I'm not sure how to end this post so I will just leave it as it is...


...leave it as it is.

Coming of age

Through the destruction of the ego one may rebuild from the ruins.

The passing of yet another year I have been walking the Earth. Not a more perfect time, then the anniversary of coming into this world.

Long live that day, that I decided to reap all that I was to make way for Me.

A letter to myself

Dear self,

You, dear sir, are a complete hypocrite. You claim to stop doing things, to change, to grow up but you do none of these things. You will never get what you want, as what you want is so far out of your grasp that the mere thought of you attaining it is laughable. You claim to have changed your philosophy of life but why then, dear sir, do you sit in hurt and jealousy when things happen that go with your philosophy? Hypocrite, your picture should be next to the definition of the word. You have not taken to heart this new philosophy, you only hide behind it. Damn it if your going to say you follow it then fucking follow it!

Everything you do and touch turns to shit, plain and simple. You are obsessive, spineless, stupid, and to top it all off a loser of infinite proportions. No one wants to be with someone who has all those traits coming out at once. Want to know why every relationship has ended in cheating and lies? It's because of you sir, every little detail of your miserable life has come only by the actions you have done.

Lets delve into these traits shall we so we can get a clearer perspective on them, sounds like great fun.

Your obsessive, once you find something you want you pursue it to death. You can't just enjoy things for what they are. No you must own it, know about it all, grasp it, and finally grow tired of it. Remember your first relationship? Yeah you started off great but alas it was doomed from the moment you two swapped virginities and you tasted lust. Remember pressing her? Remember all the hurt that happened because you didn't follow moderation? Well do you? Remember how from all your pushing she went out and found another, hid it from you and finally when it came to light you were the one passed up? Yeah, I thought you would.

Now remember when you met your second serious relationship? You were all about her, her beck and whim where your play things. Servitude was your life, anything to make her happy right? How long did that last? Oh but I forgot to mention you had to make her yours so you upped and married her after a month, great decision by the way... that worked out so well in the end didn't it? After a few months things got boring for you, you had everything of her. Why then did you not make the best of it and only when she was teetering on the edge of leaving you did you try to fix things? You know why but I will tell you anyways. It was because you were about to lose something you had gained. Not because you loved her, not because you were hurt, it was about you losing a possession. Why did you put up with the cheating, the lies, the fights? Again you didn't want to lose something you owned. Those two times you left her, yeah those weren't you trying to leave her it was your way of getting her to want you more again. Admit it you selfish bastard it was. Why else would you get back with her after leaving her twice within a year? Let's talk about how you came to the choice of having a baby, again another selfish attempt at keeping what was yours. You even admit it that the only reason why you were trying to have a child with her was to "subdue her cheating issues". Worked out great for you didn't it. Sure you love your daughter but the reason why you had her wasn't out of love or procreation, it was control. How many times did you say you would never have children anyways? How many years were you adamant about that matter? How long did it take you to change that idea? Not long was it... fucking hypocrite.

Let's talk about your most current obsession shall we? Hmm yes your doing so great with this one. Sending her stuff all the time, obsessing about when you can see her again. Hell your even up rooting your life to be a mere two hours away from her.... yeah not obsessed at all... Pushing her to make a trip to see you, hell you even bought the tickets for her already. Once you found out she can't make it you start racking your brain on how you can get her down to you. Never once thinking about what her best interest might be. You go on and on about how you can't wait to see her, hold her and all that shit. Let me tell you something my friend, all that is pushing you apart so much she already has moved on from you, she's just too nice to let you in on it yet. She may say she wants you to still move to her but really she is dreading it. You know it, just admit it and get over yourself. Your not that great, or even worth waiting for so why are you obsessing over such a person out of your league? It's because for four days you had her, and you want it back. You may love her, in fact I know you do since I am you, but your taking it way too far. Instead of letting things go the way they will you fight it, obsess about how you can get her close to you to have again. Man your a piece of work, I am almost ashamed to be a part of you.

This is fun lets move on to the next one, your a spineless wreck of a man... if you can be called a man. Remember that time you could of decked out Mochi? Oh yes he deserved it so much, fooling around with your wife then shamefully lying to your face until she told you. He even offered his chin to you claiming he deserved it. What do you do? You punch a fucking brick wall... brilliant move... oh and that splint on your hand for a few weeks was a great reminder of how spineless you really are. Remember all those times you could of stood up for something but in the end you just rolled over and took it in the ass. Oh the names of the people that have done you wrong... the list is quite impressive. Have you done anything about it? Of course you haven't you don't like to stand up for what you want. People walk all over you and you lay down for more. Get pissed off man, it's a great feeling... how do I know? You bottle it and I sip it nightly, like a fine wine that gets better with age and quite frankly I have enough I should be selling this shit.

On to the next! Your stupidity is astounding on so many levels. You claim to be philosophical but really all your doing is spewing forth others ideas. You mix and match a bunch of quotes and claim to live by them. Wow, that's deep man. You didn't even finish college up. Half way through you quit. Remedial math was just the beginning on this one. Art school? What the hell where you thinking you can't draw to save your life! Oh and don't forget about the Japanese oh wait you have. Sure you took all the classes they offered and passed but really how much do you remember? What happened to those years you spent there? You don't remember a fucking thing from those classes. What a waste of space, someone else could of taken your spot and made something of themselves.

Oh let us not forget your high school days. Barely graduating by the skin of your teeth. This ties so well into the last point I might as well slide into it.

All your life you have been a loser. How many true friends have you had in your life? Seriously how many can you trust your life to? Wow none... amazing I never would of thought it was such a high number, oh wait its not.

Middle school started the descent, you had no friends, only people who dealt with you. Yes dealt with you. This moved onto high school. Sure you eventually hung out with people outside of school but they were only using you. You had the house to sluff at, the parents that went away with the unlocked liquor cabinet. How many times did they call you to hang out? Never, you always had to invite them to come over and promise a party. In fact I don't think they even had your telephone number, wonder why... oh yeah your a loser.

College worked out about the same. You finally got yourself a girlfriend. Amazing that even happened really, a fluke in the natural order of things. Again you got into a group of people but did you ever hang out with any of them after school? Did they ever just call to make plans? Nope, wow is history repeating?

Your roommates could barely stand you, your girlfriend was sleeping with someone else and you went on with your life blissfully unaware of your loser status.

Then your rave days come, depression makes people do odd things I suppose. You were so obsessed with them that it was your life for a while. Great self esteem booster having drugged out girls all over you... man your pathetic. Those days burned out pretty quickly though, as again you got bored with your obsession. Didn't help you had a new obsession not long after you got tired of raves. Can you keep one thing near you without getting bored of it? Can't you just accept that one thing for what it is, never questioning it, never growing bored of it? You may say you can but really you can't, at least not how you are now.

It's amazing really anyone would put up with you. I know I have a hard time and I'm the only one who doesn't have a choice in the matter. Once people get to know you they find out how much of a loser you really are and are so desperate to leave they will come up with excuses. Think they really went to the movies? Think they really had to go to work early? Wow your more conceded then I realized. Frankly no one wants to be around you for more then a few hours, let alone talk to you for that long. You have nothing interesting to say, you lead a loser life. Always have, always will. Just give up on your "hopes and dreams" they are so lofty you couldn't hope to realize them. For fucks sake man being in a serious relationship with her? Having her visit you? Going to culinary school? These dreams are just that, dreams and it's time to wake up and smell the coffee, laced with a heavy dose of reality.

You. Will. Never. Win. Period.

Thank you for your time,

-Yourself


p.s. Stop hiding behind false pretenses and FUCKING LIVE!

Thoughts

Concerning thoughts about myself I have come to the conclusion that I have a very pessimistic view. Experience has taught me that I am the loser, the runner up, the one passed over, the one in the dark on too many different occasions that it has become second nature to doubt anything that has to do with me. I have self esteem don't get me wrong, but when it comes to events or relationships that I have a hand in the slightest thing gets me thinking about being left behind.

This is not a healthy thing for one to do. It has become apparent that if you carry such views upon your shoulders then they become true after a while since you drag everything else down with you to those depths. No one likes the person who mopes and fishes for the slightest bit of hope that something will turn their way. Especially when they have a lot of other things going for them but they fail to cherish them for what they are. If you have someone's love, accept it for that don't try to make it more then it really is.

If things don't seem to be going how you expected them to, it is your own fault for pushing such expectations on the event. If your will is strong enough you will get what you want out of it anyway, or have it lead to something even better.

Accept things as they are, not as you want them to be.

"To be great is to be misunderstood"

Dearest Internets, I come to thee tonight to speak of a revolution going on. I speak of the changes in my philosophy, in my total being.

I have recently noticed the changes, as they started out subtle and far between. Some may call it maturing, others responsibility but I view it as a change of character that has been years in the making but finally coming to fruition. Many of my old habits have done a 180 turn, what was once a mess is now clean, what was once a day spent on guilty pleasures is now just pleasures, what was once prison is now freedom. I am more happy now then I ever was in the past. The old philosophy of my life has no meaning to me now, I feel the change coming of a new one. One that makes more sense to me, though it scares me at the same time. It is so unlike how I used to be that I fear I was living in denial for so long that my true self was buried, lost in the swirl of my mind.

A friend once told me "You're the perfect Christan, always turning the other cheek. Funny thing is your not even a Christian!", an old girlfriend of mine once told me "You are like a shell, emotionless and logical. Never showing what you truly feel unless I pry into you. You hide everything about you". My ex-wife echoed that thought many times to me, though not put so elegantly. All the times I had a chance to be true to myself, to exact due wrath upon people that deserved it oh so much, all the times I could of told the truth but didn't to save hurt. I have always turned the other cheek, bottled what I felt for the logical part of me to work it out and make things better. Though most times it was for the worse.

My old philosophy was I followed the path of least resistance, saying I will be like water and over come any hardship. What I failed to grasp was stagnant water turns poisonous. Through my inaction, my emotionless state, I have reaped nothing but ill rewards and empty friendships. Not all rewards and friendships were bad, there have been a few gems that I will cherish forever.

NO MORE, this change has long been in the making and is due to make it's grand entrance. It has already started, my trip to Texas is proof of the logical part of my mind taking a break from the wheel. Going on what feels right, what I know is right, that is my new driver. Emotions are what make us human, make us great and at the same time so weak. I am done just going through the motions of life.

How can you know the deepest love if you haven't experience the deepest hate? I feel the flood gates opening and I like it, I revel in it. No more will I be a stagnate pool of water, it is the raging river that gets over the obstacles, carves its own path to where it needs to be. Fate has a hand in everything but only you can take the helm of your life and reach where you need to be. Waiting for fate to take control, for signs, you never get where you need to be as fate drives a Ferrari and waits for no one. Too long I have been left behind, watching as things happen with a detached sense of reality.

Certain events in my recent past have shown me that to enjoy life, to really get everything out of this life, you need to meet the world with enthusiasm. A bright sense of being alive, enjoying earthly wonders for what they are.


"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Coincidence? I think not...

Coincidence, that one word people use to describe when something happens at that perfect timing. I have stumbled through many of them, describing them as such, just coincidence nothing more. Not any more though, the fatalist has come out in me once again.

Take Saturday for instance. I was wondering around my local grocer when my phone rang with a number I didn't recognize. Not being the cautious person who screens calls I promptly answer it. Behold it is an old friend of mine from years past, come to tell me of his grail quest and to catch up. This couldn't of happened at a more perfect time, a coincidence perhaps or maybe fate, considering I have once again rekindled my fire for the grail. After a few minutes of small talk we get down to the reason he called me... his quest. He had told it to many others that he has surrounded himself with and they all gave him crazy looks, distant "mmHmm", and other modest things one does when you don't agree with what one is telling you but don't really want to comment what you feel. My friend started to doubt his feeling for the quest, to doubt his soul's cry for adventure to become more complete. I promptly stated that it is foolish to not listen to your inner pulling, if you feel like you need to do it then you should. Just that one sentence was all he needed to reaffirm his position on what he should do and with great fervor declared "damn the torpedoes! I'm going to California". Of course he didn't up and go right then and there. No he has a few loose ends to tie up, like we all do, before he can undertake his quest.

It was nice talking to him as I got to tell him of my quest, which I will detail later. To tell someone who actually understands and isn't thinking "love struck romantic" with every sentence I utter to them was a nice change of pace.

Speaking of a change of pace...

Coincidences are really fate giving you an opportunity to make a choice to follow your grail path or to not. The coincidence can be big or small but it is always just enough to get you thinking about them, thus they have done their job. Sometimes all it takes is thinking about someone you haven’t heard from in a while and having them call you in the following week. Other times it takes a huge in your face approach to get you to realize what exactly is going on.

If you choose not to follow the path, the quest, then that too is a bit fated to be as your not ready to undertake such an adventure BUT, in my humble opinion, you wouldn’t be getting the signs or the calling to partake in such a quest if you weren’t deemed ready to in the first place. That feeling like you need to be somewhere or do a certain action, sometimes called intuition, doesn’t just strike whenever it fancies. No, it comes when you are ready for it, ready to move on to the next area of your quest.

The long view of my life has proven to me many times now that every action leads to the next, certain events in my life had to have happened for me to be where I am now. I would not appreciate the love and friendship of certain people if I did not have the past experiences I have accumulated in my journey to be the person that I am. For that is really what the grail quest is about, self betterment. Not just betterment though, self completion. To become whole in every aspect of your life, finding happiness in the little details that are around us that we miss normally going about our daily lives. To have that child like wonder of the world again, the giddiness of that first love, the amazement of the things around us. Getting back to that state while retaining the knowledge we have gathered in our years, that is the goal of the grail quest.

The grail is just symbolism for the thing that you yearn for. The thing that makes your soul cry out for, to be close to, to exist in or around. It could be a certain state or country, a man or woman, even an ideal that you want to hold closely to your daily life. All these things are but stepping stones on your journey to self completeness. It is hard to say if and when the grail quest will ever end. If your grail is a man or woman who is to say that after you are together that you both won’t merge your grail quests together and thus have a companion on your journey. It’s likely we will never finish our quests, but that is not to discourage the attempt as the very act of going on your quest is moving toward the self completion.

The funny thing about the grail quest is that it may take years before you get your next calling. In my experience it has taken two years since the last time I felt like I had to do something. I followed what I felt like I had to do and it has done very well for me. Now I am feeling that calling again, but two fold. I feel an intense need to be in New York, right now the excuse is to go to the Culinary Institute of America that happens to be in New York but that might not be the actual goal in reaching New York, I do know that I need to be there though and will try to get there as soon as I am able to.

The second part of my quest is a need to be with someone, so much so that I have done things really out of character. I have gone out of my way to be with this person, to the point of flying out to see them after only three weeks of knowing them. After returning from my trip I put in for a transfer to a base much closer to her. This was met with actions very out of her norm as well, letting someone who she had only known for a few weeks stay at her place, let alone her bed. Coincidence that we, at the same time, decided to go against what we normally would do? I think not, it was good ole fate. Taking that huge step in the grail quest to where I got to be a part of my grail, to feel what its like, if only for a moment was one of the best leaps of faith I have taken. It's been a long time since I smiled as much and was as happy as I was those four days that I spent with her, my love, my grail...

And with that, my mind has gone quiet for the night so I bid you farewell until next time.

Labels and a dilemma

Labels... why must we have labels for everything in this world? Can't one thing just exist without being labeled and shoved into a category? I know it is part of the human condition to want to label things, good, bad, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, friend, enemy, the list goes on and on... but why the absolute need to have something and label it right away. Does life really need to be categorized in this way for things to make sense to our feeble human minds?

I have been labeled many things: friend, lover, boyfriend, booty call, husband, son, father, airman, civilian, the list goes on and on... do any of these define me? Does one label stand out more then any other? If I were to let go of all labels, of all defining words, does that destroy my character? Does it make me none of the things mentioned? If I was never labeled do I exist?

We label things to make sense of them, to be able to comprehend the incomprehensible. If I was never labeled a boyfriend does that mean I wouldn't do exactly what is expected of one labeled as such? If I was never labeled a father does that mean I would not act as one would?

Why do certain things in life need to be comprehended in the first place? Can't they just be, exist without form and expectations, flitting about as they will? Is that so bad of a state of being that we must save the thoughts, actions, or energy by labeling them and filing them away. Is love not just as powerful a feeling if it isn't grouped into being a between father-child/boyfriend-girlfriend/wife-husband? Does it lose any of it's meaning if it is just love between two people? Requited love shouldn't need labels. If you love someone and they love you back can't it just be at that without making that person owned by a label?

Is there really such a difference between good and evil? All there is shades of gray between the two... who is to say one thing is good and one thing evil? I could label saving a bus full of children as an evil act, justifying it in my own way. Others would look at it as an act of goodness, as saving a person's life is a noble act to some. A better example is of free will. If I keep someone, say my daughter, from doing something she wanted to do with all her heart, like visit a friend far away, but I feel it is a waste of time and she really should be doing something else with herself, say study for school, and threaten to cut all ties with her if she goes on said trip does that make it an evil act? If I keep someone from doing something they want to do, but I believe it is for the best and am saving them from a bad mistake, am I in the right or in the wrong for keeping them from doing what they want? Again some would say it was evil others good... therefore there is no good and evil, just shades of gray that can be interpreted as anything one wishes it to be. One last example, if I pushed someone to do something they really wanted but doing said action would cause harm to their family relationship because the family is opposed to them doing anything other then what they have approved, am I the evil one or are they for going against that persons free will? Again it can be looked at both ways, there is no clear "this is what's right" in a situation like that, or many other situations.

Does inhibiting someones free will make you evil if you believe it was for the greater good? Is there a line that can be drawn stating "anything beyond this is evil" when it comes to controlling someones free will? Is just a nudge too much? A push? Fully taking over their life? If it is all for the best for that person where is the line that makes it evil or for that matter good? Does it harm anyone if you make happen what you want when it is against their free will?

Who really knows what is best for another person other then the person who is living that life. I say break free of other people trying to live your life for you, make your own mistakes and your own triumphs. If things don't work out then at least you can say you tried, there is nothing to regret in trying. Living a life with no regrets is the only way to enjoy life. Besides at the time, in your heart and soul, it felt like the thing to do and damn anything that tried to stop you from doing whatever it is you did. Why should you regret what felt so right at the time? Because at that time it WAS what you wanted, what you needed, what made you feel alive.

Advice is nice... but not always welcome.