Can't sleep, my mind won't stop. Going a thousand thoughts a second, all ending in a horrible wreck. Nothing I do prevents them from crashing. Nothing I do quiets them. One by one they attack, like muggers and thieves in the night.
"Nothing you do will ever be successful" BAM
"She only wants you as a friend, nothing more" CRASH
"Moving? why waste your time" WRECK
"All your good for is being alone and taking up space" KA-BAM
"How could you even entertain the thought of being with someone, look at you" SCHREEECH
"She's getting a boyfriend, you have no chance...never did in the first place" THUD
and on they go, swirling around coming back for more. Leaving me in a twisted fetal position at their mercy yet they have no mercy, only blows. Blow after blow they come, bringing with them visions of the future. Visions of my own demise, my own worthlessness, my own personal torment.
I want to cure myself of this plague. Have a surgeon round them up and toss them out like garbage, refuse of a useless mind. Tearing it apart piece by piece until all that is left is something someone, somewhere would take in.
Emo is what this is called... I fucking hate it.
In the end this is all just a learning experience right? A warning to myself in the future, right? I shouldn't be this invested in something so far away. Something I knew would be doing this sort of thing, she did after all warn me she wants to be irresponsible...
I want to have hope that this is all wrong and just the personal demons in my mind finally released. The part of my brain that gives me hope and optimism is in hiding though, taking with it self confidence and ego. Leaving a tormented and lonely shell of a human behind. Maybe they will rebel and take over again... bringing back the person I was... or maybe he is hung up by his entrails, swinging slowly from the branch they laced him up on, only the soft breeze giving him the gift of movement.
Weak and powerless, the gift of the lonely and depressed.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment