Dear self,
You, dear sir, are a complete hypocrite. You claim to stop doing things, to change, to grow up but you do none of these things. You will never get what you want, as what you want is so far out of your grasp that the mere thought of you attaining it is laughable. You claim to have changed your philosophy of life but why then, dear sir, do you sit in hurt and jealousy when things happen that go with your philosophy? Hypocrite, your picture should be next to the definition of the word. You have not taken to heart this new philosophy, you only hide behind it. Damn it if your going to say you follow it then fucking follow it!
Everything you do and touch turns to shit, plain and simple. You are obsessive, spineless, stupid, and to top it all off a loser of infinite proportions. No one wants to be with someone who has all those traits coming out at once. Want to know why every relationship has ended in cheating and lies? It's because of you sir, every little detail of your miserable life has come only by the actions you have done.
Lets delve into these traits shall we so we can get a clearer perspective on them, sounds like great fun.
Your obsessive, once you find something you want you pursue it to death. You can't just enjoy things for what they are. No you must own it, know about it all, grasp it, and finally grow tired of it. Remember your first relationship? Yeah you started off great but alas it was doomed from the moment you two swapped virginities and you tasted lust. Remember pressing her? Remember all the hurt that happened because you didn't follow moderation? Well do you? Remember how from all your pushing she went out and found another, hid it from you and finally when it came to light you were the one passed up? Yeah, I thought you would.
Now remember when you met your second serious relationship? You were all about her, her beck and whim where your play things. Servitude was your life, anything to make her happy right? How long did that last? Oh but I forgot to mention you had to make her yours so you upped and married her after a month, great decision by the way... that worked out so well in the end didn't it? After a few months things got boring for you, you had everything of her. Why then did you not make the best of it and only when she was teetering on the edge of leaving you did you try to fix things? You know why but I will tell you anyways. It was because you were about to lose something you had gained. Not because you loved her, not because you were hurt, it was about you losing a possession. Why did you put up with the cheating, the lies, the fights? Again you didn't want to lose something you owned. Those two times you left her, yeah those weren't you trying to leave her it was your way of getting her to want you more again. Admit it you selfish bastard it was. Why else would you get back with her after leaving her twice within a year? Let's talk about how you came to the choice of having a baby, again another selfish attempt at keeping what was yours. You even admit it that the only reason why you were trying to have a child with her was to "subdue her cheating issues". Worked out great for you didn't it. Sure you love your daughter but the reason why you had her wasn't out of love or procreation, it was control. How many times did you say you would never have children anyways? How many years were you adamant about that matter? How long did it take you to change that idea? Not long was it... fucking hypocrite.
Let's talk about your most current obsession shall we? Hmm yes your doing so great with this one. Sending her stuff all the time, obsessing about when you can see her again. Hell your even up rooting your life to be a mere two hours away from her.... yeah not obsessed at all... Pushing her to make a trip to see you, hell you even bought the tickets for her already. Once you found out she can't make it you start racking your brain on how you can get her down to you. Never once thinking about what her best interest might be. You go on and on about how you can't wait to see her, hold her and all that shit. Let me tell you something my friend, all that is pushing you apart so much she already has moved on from you, she's just too nice to let you in on it yet. She may say she wants you to still move to her but really she is dreading it. You know it, just admit it and get over yourself. Your not that great, or even worth waiting for so why are you obsessing over such a person out of your league? It's because for four days you had her, and you want it back. You may love her, in fact I know you do since I am you, but your taking it way too far. Instead of letting things go the way they will you fight it, obsess about how you can get her close to you to have again. Man your a piece of work, I am almost ashamed to be a part of you.
This is fun lets move on to the next one, your a spineless wreck of a man... if you can be called a man. Remember that time you could of decked out Mochi? Oh yes he deserved it so much, fooling around with your wife then shamefully lying to your face until she told you. He even offered his chin to you claiming he deserved it. What do you do? You punch a fucking brick wall... brilliant move... oh and that splint on your hand for a few weeks was a great reminder of how spineless you really are. Remember all those times you could of stood up for something but in the end you just rolled over and took it in the ass. Oh the names of the people that have done you wrong... the list is quite impressive. Have you done anything about it? Of course you haven't you don't like to stand up for what you want. People walk all over you and you lay down for more. Get pissed off man, it's a great feeling... how do I know? You bottle it and I sip it nightly, like a fine wine that gets better with age and quite frankly I have enough I should be selling this shit.
On to the next! Your stupidity is astounding on so many levels. You claim to be philosophical but really all your doing is spewing forth others ideas. You mix and match a bunch of quotes and claim to live by them. Wow, that's deep man. You didn't even finish college up. Half way through you quit. Remedial math was just the beginning on this one. Art school? What the hell where you thinking you can't draw to save your life! Oh and don't forget about the Japanese oh wait you have. Sure you took all the classes they offered and passed but really how much do you remember? What happened to those years you spent there? You don't remember a fucking thing from those classes. What a waste of space, someone else could of taken your spot and made something of themselves.
Oh let us not forget your high school days. Barely graduating by the skin of your teeth. This ties so well into the last point I might as well slide into it.
All your life you have been a loser. How many true friends have you had in your life? Seriously how many can you trust your life to? Wow none... amazing I never would of thought it was such a high number, oh wait its not.
Middle school started the descent, you had no friends, only people who dealt with you. Yes dealt with you. This moved onto high school. Sure you eventually hung out with people outside of school but they were only using you. You had the house to sluff at, the parents that went away with the unlocked liquor cabinet. How many times did they call you to hang out? Never, you always had to invite them to come over and promise a party. In fact I don't think they even had your telephone number, wonder why... oh yeah your a loser.
College worked out about the same. You finally got yourself a girlfriend. Amazing that even happened really, a fluke in the natural order of things. Again you got into a group of people but did you ever hang out with any of them after school? Did they ever just call to make plans? Nope, wow is history repeating?
Your roommates could barely stand you, your girlfriend was sleeping with someone else and you went on with your life blissfully unaware of your loser status.
Then your rave days come, depression makes people do odd things I suppose. You were so obsessed with them that it was your life for a while. Great self esteem booster having drugged out girls all over you... man your pathetic. Those days burned out pretty quickly though, as again you got bored with your obsession. Didn't help you had a new obsession not long after you got tired of raves. Can you keep one thing near you without getting bored of it? Can't you just accept that one thing for what it is, never questioning it, never growing bored of it? You may say you can but really you can't, at least not how you are now.
It's amazing really anyone would put up with you. I know I have a hard time and I'm the only one who doesn't have a choice in the matter. Once people get to know you they find out how much of a loser you really are and are so desperate to leave they will come up with excuses. Think they really went to the movies? Think they really had to go to work early? Wow your more conceded then I realized. Frankly no one wants to be around you for more then a few hours, let alone talk to you for that long. You have nothing interesting to say, you lead a loser life. Always have, always will. Just give up on your "hopes and dreams" they are so lofty you couldn't hope to realize them. For fucks sake man being in a serious relationship with her? Having her visit you? Going to culinary school? These dreams are just that, dreams and it's time to wake up and smell the coffee, laced with a heavy dose of reality.
You. Will. Never. Win. Period.
Thank you for your time,
-Yourself
p.s. Stop hiding behind false pretenses and FUCKING LIVE!
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2 comments:
I point you again to my last blog. Though I think you may have been criticizing it before, take a look again with that mind of self loathing. O.k. now I press on, that shit you are getting down on yourself about, not that bad. Everything you touch turns to shit and it seems that not only will no one love you but no one can even understand you? It is the human condition man, no one achieves greatness, not really and no one is really ever understood. You seduced a teenage girl and pressured her to do things she may not have been ready for? Join the club of those who have penises and was lucky enough to have girls interested in them during adolescence.
Maria, yeah I am pretty sure she might have been the devil, but you still speak about being the selfish one, my man, you can hate your self all you want, but that was just a bad decision, again human condition you'll make more, me too, none of us learn. Hypocrite and spineless? You are a bit of a cheek turner, but fuck need I say it again, human condition. People back down, people don't practice what they preach, I'm doing it right now.
Didn't finish college? I did, and does it make one fucking bit of difference. As I spoke before it was a search for truth, which I found, but found to be dissatisfing . You took the road of action, it is in the end no different. You are no less philosophic than the assholes I went to school with. You, like me, had just been convinced that a crazy old man's stories were the secret to happiness. All of them quote the people they thought spoke truth, you are no different. A degree is helpful for getting a job, unless you go into philosophy, so don't think that decision was so bad. Japanese is worthless, if you are not going to live in Japan, and coincidentally living there is the only way to really learn it. How was that time spent anymore a waste of time than anything else. No other road would have brought you more success. I do remember you enjoying some of those studying sessions.
Art, let me tell you something about that. Shannon from the VA once told me that she knew you were going to succeed as an artist, because you were good and creative. It was after you met Maria that things started to go downhill for you. It was not the right environment for art, but we somehow thought fate was guiding us where we were meant to be. High school is a fucking joke to everyone. It is meant to undermine the human being, crush the spirit. It prepares the body for a tedious and meaningless line of jobs and to keep the public from revolting against this joke of a system that we all thought we'd fight before we were crushed. You got you diploma no more meaningless than it was for everyone else.
You never had any real friends or people to rely on? Indeed indeed, people suck all over. Not just in your direction, but people have been being bad to people for centuries. We are a manipulative, abusive, self absorbed, narcissistic breed. Need I point to history?
Point being, you are not worthless or even less a man because of your history or illusions. We are all humans, and whether they admit it or not they are all in the same boat as us. They pretend differently for the reason you said, to be liked or to otherwise manipulate in some other way. Why would someone pay to see a psychiatrist that has mental issues too. Yet anyone who studies psychiatry did it to solve their own problems. Who would listen to a philosopher who found no truth or found that ultimately there is no truth?
anyway thats that for now I suppose. Existing is painful. Looking at oneself, doubly so.
Ah yes it is the human condition that leads to most of this but I believe this was just an exercise of following Nietzsche's point that for one to become better you must first destroy what was there. I just scratched the surface, there is a lot more I could of put but I really don't want the deepest ones in the public domain, not that I haven't destroyed my ego with them, I have, but not everything is meant for everyone to read.
I am totally convinced Maria is a psychic vampire, my life ground to a halt after her, I want my 3 years back.
I am finding Nietzsche, Emerson, La Vey, all center around the same basic philosophy.
I still have a bit of a fatalist view, but not how it used to be. I know we spoke of the grail earlier today, it is out there, just maybe not as we have imagined it at all or how Jerry explained it to us. There must be a reason to this madness, and a madness to this reason.
Jerry has lost two of his most zealous students, one to nihilisim the other to Satanism.
p.s I never knew Shannon thought that of me, makes me want to dabble again.
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